Dr. Dennis W. Neder - Would Setting Him Up Be Wrong?

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Would Setting Him Up Be Wrong?

A few months ago my boyfriend cheated on me. I stayed with him because I saw he was truly sorry. I look back now, and honestly regret not giving him time without me, to see how life would be without me even for a few days. He is starting to act like he doesn't care as much again. I wish he would crawl after me, and in a way, do anything to have me. Even though, right now, he already does have me.

So my point is, would it be totally wrong of me to set him up to see if he would cheat on me again? I have this gorgeous co-worker who would act as the other girl. If he did, it would be the end of our relationship because there's not an hour that goes by every day that i don't think about what happened a few months ago.

I love him to death but it still hurts me so much. The girl he cheated on me with is friends with my friends, so i see her a lot. I can't help but think about it all the time and he knows how bad it hurts me, but I still think he would do it again. PLEASE HELP!

Would that be wrong on my part?

Hello!

Let's start by talking about you. Where is your self-esteem? I can tell you - it's in the toilet. Now, before you go, "Yep! That's right - it's because of my boyfriend..." I'm going to stop you. Nobody's self-esteem is about anyone else. It's always about ourselves. We make choices in our lives and choose to view ourselves in specific ways. We sometimes compare ourselves to others and then try to measure our own worth against that view of how we measure up. The problem with this is that we can't possibly measure up! Each of us is a unique combination of attributes that don't exist in anyone else, anywhere.

You seem to think that your trust for your boyfriend is something he either gives you or he doesn't. That's not at all what trust is! Trust (like self-esteem) comes from inside. Even if he "passed" this little test, you're still not going to trust him simply because you don't trust yourself. Your own self-esteem is so low that you can't trust him or anyone.

Likewise, relationships are fragile things. If you do something like this your relationship is going to suffer even further regardless of the outcome. It's already on the skids and you might as well just end it right here rather than trying to do further harm. This harm would not only be to him and your relationship, but especially to you.

I strongly suggest you don't do this. Instead, start focusing on yourself. What makes you think that something like this would ever be ok? Why are you so insecure that you'd have to test another human being in this way? Ultimately this is about revenge, not trust or security. Likewise, it totally lacks the other important aspect of relationships: respect. Since you don't respect yourself, you don't feel the need to treat him or the relationship with respect.

Start with you instead of him. Work on your own self-esteem and you're going to find that as that grows, so do your options.

Best regards...

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.